HELPING YOUR FRIEND IN MOURNING

Your friend or family member who is in mourning will have different needs at different stages. In the beginning the person may need practical help, such as answering the phone, doing errands, answering sympathy notes, or contacting agencies.

Your emotional support might not reach them initially, but it is helpful to be there to listen to them. Try not to rush them through their mourning process, or to deny their pain—it sends a signal that you are rejecting their grief and delays their progress in working through the loss. Fully grieving is necessary and healthy, and sometimes for a mourner’s friends, this means listening to the same thoughts over and over. Ask yourself: “What would I want under the same circumstances?” and try to be sensitive.

Don’t assume your friend is taking it well when he or she seems calm; this may really be the numbness of shock. Also don’t be surprised by the intensity of his or her feelings, and how many emotions s/he expresses, such as confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, fury, depression, and sadness. Mourners may ask questions like “why” without expecting you to have a rational answer – what they are really searching for is meaning.

Be proactive: rather than telling your friend you’ll be available if they want to contact you, it’s more helpful if you suggest some specific times you can stop by – or be spontaneous and call them on the spur of the moment to do something. You can stop by to bring over a treat to eat, or a light movie to watch, or take them out for a walk.

• Often there’s a rush of friends stopping by in the first days or weeks, and then the contact dwindles or stops. It is helpful to keep a steady, even if periodic, contact with your friend, at intervals that feel appropriate.

WHAT TO SAY, WHAT TO AVOID SAYING

Sometimes the very comment meant to help the bereaved will cause more pain. Here are a few phrases that may offer comfort to someone grieving, and some to avoid:

Say: I’m so sorry. Avoid: I understand how you feel.

Say: I’ll call you tomorrow. Avoid: Call me when I can help.

Say: I’m sad for you. Avoid: Death was a blessing.

Say: How are you doing with all this? Avoid: It was God’s will.

Say: I don’t know why it happened. Avoid: It all happened for a reason.

Say: I’m here and I want to listen. Avoid: You have your whole life ahead of you.

Say: Please tell me how you’re feeling. Avoid: You’ll feel worse before you feel better.

Say: This must be hard for you. Avoid: You can have other children.

Say: This must be painful to be going through. Avoid: You’ll be strengthened by this.

Say: What’s the hardest part for you? Avoid: You can always remarry.

Say: You must really be hurting. Avoid: Something good will come out of this.

Say: Take all the time you need. Avoid: It’s time to put it behind you.

Say: Thank you for sharing your feelings. Avoid: Be strong for the children/others.

Say: Let your feelings out; I may cry too. Avoid: Crying won’t bring them back.

Say: You will move forward in your own time. Avoid: It’s time for you to move on.

Say: What do you miss the most? Avoid: They’re in a better place.

Say: How do you feel, in your heart (or emotionally)? Avoid: You seem to be doing well.

FOR SURVIVORS OF ASSAULT

A survivor of a physical or sexual assault will likely be extremely sensitive to any suggestion that they are to blame for the assault; unfortunately, invasive questions about the circumstances around the crime often (even if not intended) can appear to assign blame to the survivor. Here are a few phrases that may offer comfort to a survivor, and some to avoid:

Say:

I’m so sorry this happened to you.

Is there anything I can do to help you through this difficult time?

Avoid:

Where were you when it happened (what neighborhood)?

(Can make the survivor feel at fault for being in a particular area)

What time of day was it and/or were you paying attention?

(Can make the survivor feel at fault for the circumstances)

If that happened to me, I would have…(fled, harmed the attacker, etc.)

(Can make the survivor feel at fault for their particular response. The human brain controls our responses to trauma, and we have no control over whether our body chooses to fight, flight or freeze)